Proverbs 3:5-6 Amplified Bible
5 Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.
6 [a]In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].
The beginning of this year God told me I was going to walk through some of my darkest and deepest wounds. It has been the scariest yet the most poetic season of my life. There were times when I had breakdowns, had to leave work or couldn’t get out of bed and moments when I didn’t want to live and had to call some of my closest loved ones to pray me through it or sit with me until that moment passed. It became so intense that I decided to go to counseling just to avoid slipping into that dark place again. During this time, God revealed so much to me and healed my heart from so many wounds but one specific area that I want to share about today is the area of disappointment in trials.
Sometimes we become extremely overwhelmed by our current state, the “reality” of life. For example, the fact that we are in need of finance, food, emotional needs; we are going through hardships and don’t know how to overcome, physical needs, sickness, disease etc.
Something I wrestled with for a long time was that if God is really good, why is it that I am hurting? Why am I bombarded with triggers from my past? God, I thought I was healed, why am I facing this again? I’m going away to school in August and I need 15,000. God, I know you told me to go but will you really provide?
It’s hard at times and I can’t lie to you and say that the song of discouragement never touches my lips. Some days, all I can do is hide out from the world and play video games until my arms hurt; I can barely keep my eyes open as an act of shutting God and everyone else out (my fellow gamers can empathise). I became crippled by the fear of disappointment. I chose to throw a wall between God and me.
Something God showed me was that I’ve made a practice of clinging to the fears and opinions of people, loved ones and enemies alike. I chose to allow the fears of others to dictate how much faith I had. If they were louder, more assertive, more educated/older in the faith when a situation presented itself and I had a deep level of faith but they doubted, I often believed that me choosing to believe that God is able to do anything was more of being naive than it was faith, especially when it came to the matters concerning my life.
I can’t say this was the only reason but it played a big part… This mingled with childhood disappointments and losing so many people that I loved heavily influenced how much I trusted God. Sometimes I feel like I am not in the right state to be in a relationship or have a leadership role, work or even leave my house!
So what do you do with these feelings of disappointment or discouragement? We know more than anything God just wants us to trust Him, so how do we do that? What does trust look like for people who have been hurt and abused and trust is the LAST thing they ever want to do?
Trust for me looks like in the midst of this fog, choosing to fall to my knees before Him. It looks like pouring out the details of my heart and telling Him the extreme disappointment I feel and how more than anything I need Him. I need Him to teach me what trust looks like… A great thing about our heavenly Father is that He is the lover of our souls. He is patient, kind, and fights for us when we cannot fight for ourselves…
He is my deliverer, my fortress, and my strength… He is my Dad, the one who loves me for me… He chose death as a way to save me. So I have hope… even when I don’t see it, even when nothing makes sense. I have to wake up and choose, trust, rely on, and recognise His handy work in my life and choose to believe that He will make my paths straight and smooth [removing every obstacle that blocks my way].
Beloved one, my prayer is that despite the difficulties you face that you will wake up and choose Jesus. That you will allow Him to teach you the beauty of vulnerability with Him and those He has placed in your life to help carry you through this season… Cling to Him with all of you, even in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death… Most importantly, never forget that it is only the shadow of death and even in that place that HE IS WITH YOU!
Dear God, I choose today to release my desire to be in control and trust you… God help me to believe that you are who you say you are and that you will do what you say you will do. Reveal to me the areas in my life that have hindered me from believing and having faith in you, and give me the courage, discernment, and wisdom on how to walk through this. Place people around me to encourage me in my walk with you and to sharpen me. Help me to not give up. Prove my doubts wrong, God, help me to see you, the way you really are and not through the lenses of other people’s belief and my own doubts. Remove the scales from my eyes… In Jesus’ name, Amen.