It’s been a while since I’ve posted. A lot has been happening since I’ve been back from school and it feels like my world has turned upside down. God has been uprooting every single thing I have ever believed in lol. Its been a major shift in my world view and perspective on God’s purpose for my life annnnnndddddd.. I am at peace with the journey for the first time since I have been back!
amén y amén gloria a Dios
I am thankful for the perspective God has given me along the journey and wanted to share bits of my 2020 journey with you. Some moments will be painful, some poetic, all beautiful.. Whatever the topic I pray it brings hope and inspires you to pursue the secret place with God.
2.16. 2020 9PM
I feel like I’m at a crossroads. On one side there’s foreboding, on the other peace. I feel the lies of every past choice and mistake lurking at my door enticing me into doing the dance of shame. It’s as if every time I feel joy it triggers shame and sadness. This feeling of unworthiness of something as pure and unfiltered as joy… Something that could not be swayed by circumstances.. Joy coupled with peace… I am at a crossroads.
Joy scares me. “Can it last? Does that really mean you have good things for me God? Do you want me to be happy? My life has always been filled with loss and sadness. Am I worthy of happiness? Am I enough?”
Joy reminded me of the rollercoaster that life can take you on. It reminded me of the girl who has always known what it was like for the people she loved most to die. It reminded me of how empty this world could feel sometimes. It reminded me of the little girl who grew up in a broken home and all she wanted was what she saw the other kids around her have. Everything felt empty and short-lived. Who knows, maybe this is the depression talking? Maybe its the PTSD flashbacks? TBH all I want is to feel joy again.
Joy isn’t always easy for those who all they’ve ever known is sadness. I am learning that Joy is a fruit to be cultivated, something that requires choice. The choice to press in, feel, grieve, invite Jesus, love, healing and hope in. It’s the choice to invite heaven into our hearts and lives and ask for the Great one to rewrite the painful memories. For Him to breathe hope into those hopeless places. For us to finally be able to breathe again… Joy is about perspective and the lack thereof is an invitation to intimacy with God. Sometimes, joy feels as if it is birthed in the churning of toil and anguish. How does one believe the truth that smells of the aroma of inconsistency and … innocence? An innocence some of us haven’t experienced since childhood?
The path of Joy is a journey, one that I am still figuring out. I feel that next year will be full of joy for me. The bible says its a fruit of the spirit and to be honest, I am yearning to see that fruit made manifest in my life.. I am choosing to believe that “…Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalms 30:5 even when I can’t feel it.
Beloved… I pray for courage in your journey to become a person of Joy. I pray God reveals himself in a great way to you. I pray you pursue his heart and trust that He is pursuing yours. I’m excited for the great things God has for you.
I pray His love and truth is showered upon you in this season. Know it is nothing short of beautiful.